2nd June 2006.
Flew from Aberdeen, through Heathrow and on to JFK airport where it was spitting rain when we arrived. By the time our taxi ride hit Manhattan it was a flash flood, although American rain is far more tolerable than it’s chilled British counterpart. Having re-lived the same hour five times on the way over and being royally soaked we weren’t really up for much so Mama Mia tickets were purchased for the evening’s ‘entertainment’. Abba songs should never be given the opportunity to molest anybody’s ears ever again, let alone for another forty years, and especially not when they’re loosely intertwined with a very crap plot.
3rd June.
Fact: There's a tramp sleeping in the top right corner of the shaddow.
Walked up alongside the beautiful and tranquil Central Park towards the American Museum of Natural History where we spent the entire morning and afternoon strolling in awe through the dozens of large exhibit rooms. Whilst an entire day in a museum may sound boring, there was some pretty cool goings on. Firstly, it’s probably the last place on earth you’d expect to see two young, hot lesbians making out. As a bonus, the glass cases holding the ancient artefacts meant that perversions could be made from every conceivable angle! A more humorous aspect of the place was watching all the wannabe Attenboroughs kneeling all over the place trying to take amazing pictures of the (stuffed) animals in their natural (painted backdrop) habitats as if it were the real deal.
King Kong looking right at home.
Another brilliant feature of a weekend museum trip means hundreds of screaming American school kids; all at the perfect height for farting on, unlucky suckers. Finally, the best display in the museum had to be the very helpful and informative ‘How to get bitten by a snake’, which displayed the three best ways to ensure you get a lovely dose of venom in case you forgot how to piss off some of natures most effective predators. All in all, well worth a visit and definitely one of the best attractions NY has to offer.
At night time we went to a one of Manhattans finest steak houses for Paw’s 50th birthday meal. Definitely one of the nicest steaks I’ve ever had, and probably ever will have. Rounded up with some homemade NY cheesecake it was the most unadulterated and decadent of meals, certainly fit for the occasion. To work it off, a mini trip to the Virgin store on Times Square (a.k.a. paradise) where several old skool purchases were made.
4th June.
Started off the day with a prelude to the shopping that would be had later inside the Billabong and Quiksilver shops. From there we ventured towards Ground Zero, although even to somebody who had been up the old towers it didn’t induce any major emotions; probably due to the fact that in reality it’s still just a huge construction site. After watching part of a mega-boring photo shoot involving four anorexic models and two kick-ass vehicles we proceeded to the most southerly point in Manhattan. It was good to see the Statue of Liberty again, although a second visit to the actual island was pretty pointless as it’s a slightly disappointing landmark due to it being way smaller than it appears because of the huge stone base.
From the Brooklyn Bridge Footpath.
The next stop was a walk across the iconic Brooklyn Bridge, which was well worth the trek. Providing an excellent view of the Manhattan skyline, Staten Island and a close-up look at the bridge itself it is without doubt one of the island’s most overlooked attractions. It’s also amazing to think that is has stood there, untouched for over 120 years. After that a quick subway journey brought us to Grand Central station, which is more than impressive and apparently the famous concourse is still the largest room in the world. As we headed back to the hotel room the walk provided a nifty view of the Chrysler Building, which is definitely top competition for the title of coolest building in Manhattan.
The Chrysler Building from a few blocks away.
At night time we decided to head to the cinema to see X-Men 3, which turned out to be utter rot but the experience of being in an enormous, sold-out theatre complete with clapping and cheering is something else. The soon-to-be-famous Nacho Libre was also hanging around outside the building, doing free photographs, but because nobody had seen the trailer he just looked like a complete tool. Ironic because in turning down this oppertunity, I now feel like a tool.
5th June.
Again, we began the day with an enjoyable walk through central park, although this time the 'fun' was ruined when we arrived at the closed Metropolitan Museum of Art. Moving the day’s plans forward we ended up at the Guggenheim museum of modern art. Having enjoyed it immensely on our previous visit I was totally looking forward to this one, however something had gone seriously wrong. The main spiralling hallway was entirely devoted to a display of Zaha Hadid’s life’s work; which was totally boring unless you’re an aspiring architect or liked to masturbate over what powerful computers can do. The next biggest room was dedicated to the works of Jackson Pollock which included so much crap that I couldn’t look at more than three or four ‘paintings’. Seriously, this guy just threw paint on canvas and made millions for his 'unique expressions'. To top it all off the famous white exterior was surrounded by scaffolding and had been stripped completely bare to be re-worked, what the fuck!?
At least the actual inside is still cool.
Yet another long walk, this time down 5th avenue - where all the snobs live, brought us to an unplanned visit of the United Nations headquarters. This was a interesting for several reasons. Firstly, we were no longer in America as the grounds are considered international territory: sounds lame but who would arrest and prosecute you for anything in the building? Secondly, we got to walk around all the rooms and sites I’ve been reading about in books for the past six years or so which was strange but enjoyable. Finally, there was a UN bookshop where I got some handy publications about cocaine and other stuff relevant to my forthcoming dissertation.
"Non Violence". Features in dozens of I.R. Books.
The (in)famous UN Security Council.
After only managing to squeeze 3 stores into an hour and a half of ‘hardcore shopping’ it was obvious that a whole day would have to be set-aside for that. In the evening we headed up the not-so-famous Rockefeller centre for an alternative sunset view of Manhattan. Surprisingly it was quieter and just as good as the Empire State, with the added bonus of actually being able to see it. The only complaint was that a hideous office block obscured the view of the Chrysler building. As the sun set I just leant on the edge and watched darkness descend on the skyline. Finished off the night with a Surf 'n' Turf, which ended up being Steak and Lobster, lovely.
Central Park in the sunset.
The Empire State at night.
6th June.
The morning can only be summed up in one word: shit. This is not because anything specifically bad happened, or that I didn’t have fun, but that it is almost impossible to find a vacant public toilet in Manhattan. There was a McCoke-head in the first place I tried, needed a room key in the second, third and fourth attempts were undergoing ‘repairs’ and ‘upgrades’ (how can you possibly upgrade a toilet?) and when I found an empty Subway cubicle, no toilet roll. It felt like i was in a really bad Adam Sandler film, and was sustained by the fact that I was shopping with my sister, who spent 30 minutes browsing though most shops meant that it was one of the most painful four hours in my life : (
Outside my future home (Before the pain began)
With nothing but shopping planned for the best part of the day it could have been so boring but with it being the Big Apple nothing’s ever plain. Saw a big rapper, complete with a bodyguard and PR assistant just browsing in the same shop as us, sporting huge gold teeth and masses of bling. A short while later we stumbled across the coolest advertising technique, real people just sitting in glass boxes doing everyday things, ignoring everyone outside; questioning the publics opinion on what they see - how arty. Also, because it was 6/6/6 there was a massive cult hanging around Times Square giving out gnarly apocalyptic flyers and chanting. Before we headed back to the hotel with all our stuff I decided to check out the church of scientology, just for a laugh, but within five minutes the overly helpful lady was pitching a ‘very inexpensive’ book about the basics of her faith; how moral.
Times Square: possibly the most lively place on earth.
Overall it was about this time that I reached this conclusion; New York isn’t unlike any other holiday resort in the world, there are plenty of tourist traps and companies such as bus tours that will do anything to get some money out of you. Also, once you’ve been to all the main attractions there are not many other things to see, hence why there was nothing but shopping to do for the whole day. Although it’s not exactly a bad thing when you can pick up hyper-fashionable threads for a fraction of the UK price. I also saw this perfect quote on the library walk, with which I agree whole-heartedly.
What a guy.
7th June.
Probably the most disappointing morning of all because I spent three hours exploring a 50 block radius looking for a pair of flared jeans to no avail. Only one shop could even suggest something and that was to simply “buy chick jeans, that’s what some guys do”… Yes, some gender confused guys. What’s worse is that it made me feel very unfashionable because skinny jeans seemed to be all the rage. Before we headed back to the airport I tried out some ‘authentic’ sushi, which was pretty good, however it totally didn’t rank up there with Aberdeen’s finest. Another observation was that every imaginable space is fair game for advertising, from bus stops to roof tops, there are advertisements absolutely everywhere (see Times Square pic). It can add to the character of a city but you’ve got to question its impact when you see a 100foot tall, topless Jack Black. My final memory of Manhattan – the Taxi ride back to JFK airport – was completely tarnished by the fact that our driver played ‘Smooth Jazz’ for the duration of the journey. For anybody unfamiliar this ‘genre’ sounds like your watching a really old, really cheap 70’s porno. Gross.
Trump Tower, 5th Ave. A very impressive building.
In conclusion, New Yorkers take crap from absolutely nobody. This is probably why the standard of most things are relatively high in comparison with other places (i.e. we didn’t have one bad meal the whole time we were there). However, they are generally friendly towards tourists and you can always tell them appart because they don’t have time to waste, never take in the scenery and are usually stuck to their mobile phone. There are a lot of ‘characters’ walking around the streets, from people just speaking rubbish to zany beggars and self-proclaimed preachers - who generally also speak rubbish. The city is absolutely bursting with vibrancy and energy and I’ve seen no other place quite like it. It’s very safe and outside Times Square, relatively hassle free. After a total of 14 days there we’d managed to do everything we wanted to, and some things more than once. The only way I’d go back would be with my friends and if I did there’s no way I’d deprive myself of a visit to one of the hundreds of strip clubs. America in general also raises the question of what is wrong with the UK’s taste buds. Both Mountain Dew and Crunch chocolate failed miserably over here, and they’re the two greatest junk-foods in existence.
To anybody going there in the future, I’d recommend only going to the places you think you’ll enjoy, and to do plenty reading before you go there to save time. Also, we found that walking if the best way to get from A to B because you notice so much more of the small detail and liveliness the city has to offer.
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