She Had A Beautiful Face!

Holy shit! That has got to have been the busiest few months of my life, and all that really happened was a transition between the student and working lifestyles!

After formally finishing Uni the aim of the game was to spend some quality time with the people I wouldn’t see again for ages – and others never again. In real terms this meant excessive alcohol consumption in various flats, pubs, clubs and public places! The worst part about this was that I not only got know people a lot better, but I met heaps of folk for the first time, which added to the sadness of having to leave student life behind. After a fortnight of that it was time to start chilling out.

Another bad aspect of having all these end of term nights out was that I met at least three girls that I got on with phenomenally, but they all decided to disappear for the summer, which swiftly brings me to my next observation. It seems like everyone’s almost pre-programmed to chase the wrong people at the moment: the unattainable and the uninterested. If I had a pound for every time I saw the classic ‘He-likes-her-but-she-likes-him-who-likes-someone-else’ cliché this summer I’d have at least a tenner!

To counteract the effects of the partying I took up swimming and golf big time, doing one of them each day for a good 4 weeks. The only thing was that with the golf, I can’t break the 100 mark to save my life, which makes playing pretty pointless. Public swimming also has a lot to be desired; especially when the pools are full of old ladies boasting spider legs at side of their costumes and brown foreign objects on the floor … Gross!

After several weeks of this I had to bite the bullet and start full-time work. At first I couldn’t believe the freedom working in an open-plan office,, at least compared to being on a till, but it’s one of those novelties that have worn off pretty quickly - much like all the free snacks and inter-office correspondences with the dame. At first the ‘work’ was pretty pants and I was given tasks with no other purpose than to gauge ability. The highlight of the first few weeks was scoring 135 on an IQ test (no joke, 130 and above is the top 2.2% of the population!!!). As time goes on my role’s becoming more defined, I also can’t wait ‘til I’ve done my first course next week.

Depending on which way you look at it, not being able to drive to work is a pretty big aspect of my job. 2 hours 20 travelling per day means I’ve torn through more books in the past 6 weeks than I have in the past year (Haunted, Alphabet of Manliness, Ham on Rye, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell…) Busses also seem to be a haven for outrageous flirting… which is nice. On the downside of all this travelling I have to waken up at 7am and I don’t get home ‘til after 6!

After a couple of weeks of work I managed to get the guts of a week off for graduation. The day itself was pretty cool, although I’ll leave most of the detail for the ‘Ode to Uni’ entry. ‘twas a long day - early breakfast in town with the gang, good ceremony, cheesy pictures, fancy meal and a top night out. The night after there was an ace ball, followed by some Liquid, then a house party ‘til 7am, finished off by waking at noon and heading straight to my final authentic Bobbin sesh, the perfect way to see off life as a drunken student!

A couple of things to wrap up this entry: firstly, I finally realised how much I actually love Ross Noble, the perfect rambling entertainer; Secondly, finally stuck out the new Onion Terror CD - ‘See You Tonight’ - and despite it being a home-job, it looks amazing; finally having outbursts of bad hay fever in a city that has won ‘Britain in Bloom’ ten times is about as fun as being a blind person that can’t breathe with a runny nose and bad cough.

I'm Just Trying To Break Down A Wall.

After the annual period of Easter lassitude it was time to crack on with the final Uni essay, something that I thought would actually be good to work away on. Despite writing about an interesting topic - human trafficking for the purpose of sexual (yas!) slavery (not so yas) - it just got too boring too soon. And then there was the final exam, but nobody was really bothered by the time it came round. A spiffing night out at house parties and town with the human rights gang and some shit-hot champagne was the goodbye night that we all waited so long for.

Trying out Stand-up comedy has been an interesting little experiment of the past few weeks. After a couple of gigs I’m still trying to find my feet and establish what is and isn’t kosher with a little help from the censorship police, and a prick who was determined to kick my face in because he didn’t like the more controversial side of my wee set. It’ll be interesting to see how far and funny the comedic career will go.

Experienced my first proper downer last week when a load of facts hit me like a wall. Spent a year working on a dissertation that’s currently heading towards a mediocre grade; a relatively pants birthday night out where a lot of ‘close’ friends and workmates pulled a no-show; the realisation that a lot of my mates will be going home in a month; having genes that appear to want a fat body; a pretty lengthy spell of shit lady ‘luck’; topped of with general apprehension about life after Uni. All these dawned on me one night but either because it’s not in my nature, or that I genuinely didn’t have the time to mope, it was back to the grind the following day. Will hopefully be able to iron a few of these out in this month off.

One thing I’ve come to realise this month is that pretty much everything you do and need requires money, even providing the basic human needs like eating, housing, heating and clothing. Upon trying, it was impossible to think of more than a handful of things that you can do for absolutely nothing, backing up my idea that money actually dictates everything we do. It makes you wonder if full-blown capitalism is actually the best economic system in the world because in Soviet Russia, money spent YOU!!

After a few years of mediocrity Onion Terror has finally seen a face-lift and is sounding pretty sweet again, and with no hard feelings it wasn’t half as messy as it could have been. Another noteworthy event was the ‘iconic movie’ party where the cowboy suit made me look like a stripper, but after a game of ‘Circle of Death’, that was pretty low on the list of priorities. Finally left Sainsbury’s after 5 years and 9 months, but that and Uni are both getting their own massive bogs, so chow for now.

P.S. Out of interest, could everyone who reads this post pleae leave a comment, even if it's anonymous, just so I have a rough idea of how many people actually read one of these posts. Danke!

With Every Wish, It's Hit Or Miss.

“Was it a card with two bars of chocolate and a book?”

The timeless quote that subsequently: quashed any dreams I had of becoming a really cunning private detective; kept me laughing out loud for over a month; confirmed that the postie didn’t actually steal my valentine; and became my first original punch line as a wannabe stand-up comedian. Magic.

What could easily be the most intense dosage of pure happiness in my life was had the other day, as I printed out the 61 pages of Thain-style gold that was my dissertation. A result of the overzealous approach adopted in the weeks before the deadline is that my right eye has developed it’s own fluttering spasm – not cool. Must also mention the ol’ chick that helped me retrieve an entire deleted chapter, what a star. One aspect that I will never understand is that, when you really need to get your head down and do some hardcore work, everything else – from bebo creeping to two-hour lunches – suddenly seems more important. On the downside, it means that I no longer have excuse for a lack of success on the female front at the moment, despite hanging out with the likes of Paris Hilton and Pocahontas!

After visiting the Granddad down at the Links unit, I have decided that someone has to end it before I become old and haggard like most of the people in there. Although it will be difficult dealing with the effects of growing older, such as not being able to buy cool jeans or having to find something above ground level to rest your foot on, life must become completely empty when you can’t walk across a room, read a book or take a dump without someone helping you. Worse still, sharing a room with 5 other people in the same condition probably wouldn’t pump up the self-esteem.

Other things worth underscoring from the past wee while include: the D.I.Y. skills being sharpened up with the creation of a new-age pedal board that will become the envy of many a gig-goer in the future; an ace solo gig at the Aberdeen Union that ended up with the whole crowd in the palm of my hand; becoming more honest about things as opposed to trying to satisfying everyone, which may lead to some interesting entries in the future; coming home drunk and watching my future wife on ‘The Mint’; getting a Leeds ticket; and securing a decent job for after uni.

Baby I'm Bad News.

Wow! If this hasn’t been the worst start to anybody’s year I’ll eat someone else’s earwax. Firstly, New Year was a damp squib with nothing really mental happening, but maybe that’s what every night’s like when you’re not drunk, good way to kick off the resolutions though. Days later came an infuriating dose of the mumps that made me look like Desperate Dan: but swap cow pie with crabsticks and soup. It also drained me so badly that I couldn’t even revise (oh, the humanity). All of this was made even better by the fact that the first doctor failed to mention: the tiny detail that it might have affected my nuts; or anything that would help speed up the recovery – thanks Wikipedia.

As soon as that began to wear off it was time for a totally hardcore, making-up-time, cramming, revision-fest for what was left of the exam period, and as if that wasn’t bad enough insert a seagull attack before the first exam then a squawking bird & two rude invigilators, all hell-bent on screwing up the second one. After three days off, of which I worked two, it was straight back to the library for non-stop dissertation reading, I would however like to buy the person who decided it was ‘OK’ to carry out construction work outside both sides of the QML a few pints... of industrial bleach.

Some other signs that you may be spending too much time inside a library: (i) you’re able to recognise fellow losers by just their phone or the books on their desk; (ii) you go entire days without opening your mouth with the exception of saying ‘rice please’ to a dinner lady; (iii) other people talking begins to infuriate you – librarian style; (iv) you experience feelings of fury and misery when someone else sits at your desk; (v) life becomes so mundane that writing silly words like ‘fuck’, ‘tits’ and ‘yaldy’ in your notes actually makes laugh out loud.

Further events from this month that have engaged the rage include back pain from slouching over desks for so long, being treated like a leper by Ms Macbeath in town (note to self: this is the fastest way to burn bridges) and finally, the piesta resistance... being randomly attacked by three total arseholes. Although happy to escape with a fat eye and all my valuables, I just can’t get my head around the mentality of someone that thinks trying to unexpectedly knock out complete strangers is acceptable fun. They’re officially the first people I’ve ever wished death upon, a pretty good indicator of how great this year has been thus far.

Other than everything mentioned above, this year has actually been completely amazing!

Apologies go out to anybody who actually made it this far through the depress-fest, but hopefully there’ll be some better news next time disguised as exam results, job prospects and my first proper Valentine sendage – although probably best not to count on it.